Through a hospice newsletter, I learned that one of the pioneers in hospice care in Florida, Mary Labyak, died recently.? The hospice she led created a Memorial Page where visitors can go to read about her life and digitally sign a guestbook.? I am not her friend, in fact I have never spoken to her although I?ve heard her speak at conferences, but I left a comment of admiration and thankfulness for her years of service and her insight and heart for people facing the end of life.? It felt good to join the throngs of people whose lives she touched and to make public words of appreciation and sadness that she is gone.
Social media and grief.
On NPR?s Talk of the Nation yesterday, Bruce Feiler spoke about his recent piece on mourning and social media.? His quest began after he experienced several losses and he noticed that many times a person would send out a mass e-mail notifying every one of the news of a death, and he wondered, Is it okay to send an e-mail condolence?? If I write a note and mail it, they won?t get it for a week and they may think that I?m rude for not responding immediately.? The callers in to the show are pretty much all over the place from some benefitting from on-line support groups to others canceling their Facebook pages to protect their privacy. ??But I liked Feiler?s conclusion:
?The number one lesson I learned working on this story and from my own experience losing friends and nearly dying myself was that you need to meet the sick person or the griever where they are?the job of the friend of the griever is ? as someone told me as I was working on the story was my favorite thing that I heard ? you need to be that person?s friend. And if that means showing up and, you know, repotting their plants and sweeping their front porch, then show up and do those things. If that means listening to same story about their loved one for the fifth time, then listen to that same story. And if that means just sitting there quietly on the other end of the phone as they weep, that?s what your job is. It?s not to impose your own wishes on that person, it?s to be where that person is, and be supportive in whatever way they need.?
On a plane today I sat across from a young man I first thought was actor, Omar Epps.? It wasn?t, sadly, but he was a fascinating guy, a college football player with his pinkie fingernail painted bright red.? I noticed it but in good German Lutheran fashion I remained noticeably obtuse while I internally made up all sorts of cockamamied reasons for said red nail.? Thankfully, the young woman next to him exclaimed, ?Oh! You have a red fingernail!? He turned to me and queried, ?You?ve been wondering about that too, haven?t you??? I made like I didn?t notice such things and then, nodding, said, ?Yeah.?
It?s for my mom.? She died in ?93 and always painted her fingernails bright, shiny red.? She was from South Africa and was amazing.? Ever since then I paint my pinkie red so I feel like she?s always with me.
?That?s beautiful,? the young woman next to him said quietly.
?I?m sorry for your loss,? I offered.
?Thanks,? he replied to us both, ?that means a lot.?
I wanted to stop at that moment and say to them, ?Look!? Do you see what just happened?? We created community!? If we had our complimentary drinks and pretzels, Bruce Feiler might even call this an airplane shiva! We didn?t need Facebook or our phones that have been forced into airplane mode to connect to each other.? Beautiful.?
Mourning and grieving in an age of social media. As Feiler says, be a friend.
Categories: Aging, Disability, Death, Dying
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Source: http://familyscholars.org/2012/02/09/be-a-friend/
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